I spent the last hour and a half of work today internally seething with self-doubt, fear and anger.
This inner turmoil episode has happened to me before. It occurs from roughly every 4 months to 2 or 3 times a year and it always ends in me crying my eyes out or just being as sullen as one can possibly be for up to two hours. I had a particular nasty bout with it last year when I screamed “You didn’t teach me anything” at the bachelor of arts degree on the wall in my room, after which I sobbed profusely into my pillow.
I can’t disclaim enough how conceited, self-pitying and whatever other fancy anxiety thing introverts have before I go on to the rest of this because I believe I am uniquely selfish. This is going to be a lot of bitching. With that out of the way, I’ll just say it. I feel that I cannot succeed based on my own will. I need positive encouragement. These anxiety episodes I have are me confronting that and hating myself for it. Just figure it out you wimp, my mind will roar. How pathetic, you can’t set your mind to anything. Just find your passion and do it.
That’s the grander problem. I don’t have a true passion and I don’t know how to find it, and today I’ve reached a point where I wish I could just yell at everyone I know to just encourage me to do something based on what they’ve observed me doing, because to be honest I feel like I’m mediocre at everything. But isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? Didn’t Whiplash teach us that “good job” are the two worst words to tell someone? That weighs on my mind too.
But still, I think back to last year, shortly after I graduated college, working on 3D models in my room, trying to build some semblance of a portfolio but having little confidence in my work. My mother came by my door, I showed her what I was doing, and she said “yeah that’s nice but good luck finding a job doing that here.” She was right, there isn’t any 3D work to be had out here in Asheville and I didn’t have the money to move where there might be. Furthermore, the rat race to get into those jobs is hell, I don’t know anyone in the industry who could’ve helped me, and the curriculum I studied in college was laughably bad. I dropped the art and haven’t felt any real pull to come back to it since. Maybe that wasn’t my passion? So I’m back to raging and crying about being stuck and hating myself for being stuck. Pitiful, right?
I just want to selfishly ramble about one last topic: my mother. I’ve lived with my mother since leaving college and now we’re practically roommates. I’ve found a job at a warehouse and I pay rent every month. She cooks, and I clean. Let me disclaim once more that I could be completely misinterpreting reality but I think, subconsciously, she’d prefer for me to find a woman and give her grandchildren than fully support what I want to do unless it results in riches. She’s not been particularly enamored about me picking up an instrument for example. I see where she’s coming from. Our family is a mess. One half lives out West and the other lives across the Atlantic in the UK, and they’re all factional in some way. She wants familial stability of some form badly because in the grand scheme of things we’re out here on the Eastern Seaboard and I’m the only relative she’s got. So I feel she’s loath to let me live on my own as well. I felt anger about this today, but in the end I think it’s up to me to cut the cord, so to speak, when it’s time.
Alright I’m out of rant juice. If you’ve read this far, feel free to call me a dumbass in the comments, though it’s preferred if you could accompany them with some sort of criticism/advice. Anything to help get me out of this self-pity hole is appreciated even if it’s a kick in the ass. Thanks for reading.