I’m going full-on with this post. I’m getting words out of my head and off my chest and there will be little room for edit or revision. This has been circling in my head for a bit and I need to regurgitate it somewhere. But, assuredly, this isn’t going to be something from far out of left-field as far as life is concerned.
I have some reservations about my education.To but it bluntly, I don’t know what to do. I mentioned in my first post that I’ve been having trouble with computer science and numeric-based academics (science, math and engineering). But honestly, why is that? Some obvious conclusions spring to mind: You spend too much time on the internet and don’t study enough, you procrastinate too much, you’re always indecisive when it comes to math (and programming) problems. Now I can most confidently say that all of these self-observations are correct, to an extent.
During my second freshman semester, I struggled with Precalculus, a course I had already taken in high school. I made a solid B in my high school class and I made a skin-of-my-teeth D in my college class. Part of the reason I bombed so hard was because I was overconfident. But to be fair, who wouldn’t be? I had just passed a Precalculus class a semester before! Now at this point you’d probably wonder why I was taking Precal again, and the answer to that is that it was an easy math credit. See where I’m going with the overconfidence thing? Anyway, that overconfidence led to procrastination, and to my mind sneering at the idea of going to the very-useful Math lab on campus. In the end, I was always the last to finish a quiz or a test, and get low grades on said quizzes and tests. After legitimate tears were shed at aforementioned failures, I decided to visit the Math Lab, which improved my output somewhat but not to my High School glory. Simply put, the other part of the reason I bombed so hard was simply because College is different and requires you to have enough self-discipline to manage your time properly. I wasted away on my computer watching youtube videos when I should’ve been in the math lab. That’s basically just it.
But I can’t help but wonder. This is going to be the part where most people are going to understandably say in their minds, “he’s making excuses”, but I’m going to go on anyway. My approach to Math has always been… strenuous. What I mean to say by that is that, as opposed to other academic disciplines, I’ve always seen Math as more of an obstacle course I just need to get out of the way rather than a path of true intellectual enrichment. Every Math assignment is a frustrating wrestling match for me, I often end up flipping out and stomping my feet at Math problems. Math problems are mazes with few, almost-invisible roads to solutions, and I almost ALWAYS get lost in that maze. I usually end up messing SOMETHING about the problem up in the end, as if I got so upset in the maze that I just decided to say “screw it”, bring out a pair of hedge-clippers and cut my damn way out. I’m rambling, but what I’m trying to get at is, as I stated in my first post, is that maybe I’m just not suited for Math. But THEN another voice inside me, when I think this, yells “YOU’RE A QUITTER”. Is this true? Am I indeed a quitter? Am I a loser that procrastinates, wastes time and expects to do well, doesn’t and then gives up or do I just not want to do this? Is my procrastination a product of my mathematical struggles and the feelings that Math isn’t for me? This is why I don’t know what to do. I can’t help but feel that I should be forcing myself to learn math, agonizing as it may be, to prove that I can. But THEN I feel that I shouldn’t bother myself with it because I don’t have to. I mean, there’s a lot more out there to learn than just math right? But on the other hand, I do know ONE thing for certain. I need to buckle down and study more.
To conclude this, I’m afraid. I’ve done a lot worse in my math, accounting and programming courses than I thought I would, and I’m not sure what direction I should head in. I’ve decided to go into a multimedia art & design major, hoping that less lines of code and less pure numbers will be better for me. But that still doesn’t quell my battlefield mind, which constantly rumbles with indecision even as I write this. I’m still dreading the beginning of next semester, which is mere weeks away at this point, but I hope with all of my heart that my fear will give way to fulfillment as I pursue something else with my education.